Grief – A Perspective from a Catholic

This was a tough and personal blog to write.  Grief.  We all will grieve.  It may happen very early in life, it may happen late in life, but we will all grieve. It’s part of the human condition. But it’s how we handle it that defines it—and us.  Grief is a natural response to loss, whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or any significant change. 

As a teen I would read magazine stories in my room about losing a parent and shudder.  After all my parents were in the next room; healthy.  Vibrant.  Laughing.  Surely this happens to other people.  Well, no, it happens to ALL of us.  It’s simply a matter of when.  It hurts deeply, but it’s all in God’s plan as we will see.

At the age of 24 I lost my Mom and Father in Law weeks apart, at 30 lost my Dad and at 33 lost my mother in law.  My wife and I had hardly said “I Do”. None of our parents we would consider old. My wife and I were lost. Battered. Shell shocked.  At times very depressed.  After all we hadn’t even painted our first apartment and the family was shattered.  We were at a loss as to why.  How did we handle it? Not well.  We were theoretically orphans.  

Not being as faithful as we are today, we had the intense and long-lasting emotional suffering that occurs when someone experiences loss.  We had all the range of feelings including sadness, anger, confusion and even guilt. The stress was all day every day.  For decades.  How could God do this to us.  They were good kind loving people, as were we. Was it something we did? Was God angry? There are evil people walking the earth who live and seemingly thrive.  We saw our friends with all four of their parents, and while happy for them, we said why us.  We felt alone. It permeated into every aspect of our lives. 

We allowed it to consume us for years, quite frankly only truly learning to accept it decades later after wasting valuable time in the process.  We enjoyed very little. We lost our faith, in a time we should have been embracing it.  Without faith, you have no answers.  No foundation.  And no hope.  

The question of why God allows the death of good people is one that many of us grapple with.  In Christian theology, specifically Catholicism, we have perspectives that address this question, although I acknowledge that for many it is difficult to resolve and understand the mystery of suffering. But God lays it out for us and once you read it, I think it makes one realize it’s both naïve and selfish to think we have the control. Why?………

• Free Will. God grants us the freedom to make choices, and this freedom includes the possibility of suffering and death.  
• Original Sin. Catholicism teaches us that suffering and death entered the world through original sin.  The fall of Adam and Eve introduced imperfection and death into creation. 
• Union with Christ. Catholic teaching holds that suffering, including the death of good people, can have redemptive value. By uniting our suffering with Christ’s suffering on the Cross, we can participate in the redemption of the world. Suffering can have a purpose in God’s larger plan.
• Heaven and Eternal Life. From a Catholic perspective, earthly life is temporary, and God’s ultimate plan is for eternal life with Him. The suffering and death experienced in this world are seen in the context of a promise of eternal happiness and reunion with God in the afterlife.
• Divine Providence. Catholics believe that God’s ways are often beyond human understanding. The divine plan may involve mysteries that are not fully revealed to us in this life. Trust in God’s wisdom even if the reasons remain unclear.
• Spiritual Growth. Suffering and loss can lead to spiritual growth and greater empathy for others. The experience of grief and loss can deepen one’s compassion and understanding, leading to a more profound relationship with God and others.
• Responding to Suffering. The experience of suffering can call individuals to act with love and justice in the world. Catholics are encouraged to respond to suffering by working to alleviate it and by offering support and compassion to those who are grieving.

Wow.  I must admit it was hard at first.  When I realized and analyzed all of this I started to find my answers.  While painful its part of the plan. I recently lost my 25-year-old nephew to a terminal disease and I had to reinforce the faith and acceptance I mention above as I sheepishly admit, for a moment, I once again asked—–why? Especially at 25! What can we then do in the moment?  I found these helpful not only now, but over the years as my faith was challenged and my heart was hurting.  

How about Prayer and Sacraments.  We can find comfort in prayer.  I prayed for my nephew and asked for God’s help to cope with the loss.  Attending mass and participating in the Eucharist, for me, is a source of spiritual strength and comfort. I feel Born Again every time.

Spiritual Support.  Speaking to a priest of a spiritual advisor works wonders. It did for me on many occasions, for grief and for depression.  You can get instant answers, understanding, and support once you view your conditions through the lens of faith. But for my wife and me, Catholic counseling (yes Living Waters) helped us understand the whys on so many issues, being kind yet direct. If you have grief, or even depression emanating from grief of a lost loved one, a job, a decision, a relationship, Catholic or spiritual counseling can free your mind and open your soul. 

Many churches also offer bereavement groups giving you a chance to engage with people in the same situation you are in.  Knowing you’re not alone helps tenfold. And it’s a way God gets us together to chat about His word and build love and friendships that could possibly last a lifetime. 

The belief in eternal life and resurrection of the dead provides faith, hope and comfort in knowing our loved ones are living with God and His love and protection. The bible promises us an afterlife living with Him. For me it was great comfort.  I know they are there waiting for all of us.

Grief always has and always will be a part of the human experience.  It’s painful, it challenges us, we cry, and we miss the people we lost or a relationship we had.  That won’t change.  Nor should it. But without faith it all gets lost in a vacuum with no answers.  And with no answers there is no resolution. And with no resolution grief can easily morph into depression and anger.  We can and will always grieve, but with answers we learn to live with it and accept it. Try God. After all, it’s His world, we are just living in it!